A Break In The Day

Gardening with Pain - And it feels so Good!

2009-07-02T10:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I just finished "weeding" 9 Agave Americana Variegata pups out of one of my 2 patio pots. So many pups were squeezing out the mama plants and they were both starting to look forlorn. Time to wean all these babies off the main Agaves.

The pots are too big for me to easily move so I decided to take my wee work stool and trash bag (empty cactus mix bags make great trash bags after) to the pot. Keep it simple, save my shoulders, follow easiest course of action! Of course the mid morning sun added to the joy since both pots were sitting directly in it.

An hour later, sweat dripping off my head like I just ran the 1 mile derby as a thoroughbred and only one pot done... Not to mention the numerous spider egg sacs I removed and the guilt I replaced with pleasure when i saw the large gnarly looking brown and black spider that climbed off the pot eventually... I helped her off to a planted rock so as not to engage in a turf war.

Where does pain come into play in all of this? Well for starters one "weaned" pot was just enough for me to realize now was a good time to stand back up before my knees totally locked and reality set in that my husband wasn't home today to help me get up. The fact that both my digging tools broke making the task more complicated was additional incentive.

But the pain in my knees still felt good. You see I can get this pain sitting too long doing nothing as well. Or sitting too long at my computer and then my hips rebel by refusing to work or I have to push on my sac joints with my fingers with each step I take.

So coping with the pain I get ANYWAY is sweet when it comes with accomplishment.

Let's stop and stare at that sentence for a moment. Break it down. Pain is sweet? Yup. Mean's I'm still alive. I'm still going. I'm still putting in the good fight.

Today I did not give in to my Crohn's Colitis, My Ankylosing Spondylitis or my Fibromyalgia. Today my "eases" are just there. I acknowledge them, work with them and then frankly ignore that I have them.

My mantra for the month of July is "Accept What Is". Accept the pain and garden anyway. Because gardening gives me something pain tries to take away. Joy. Soul nurturing joy.

If you have a chronic illness or two or three (deep hearty head shaking laugh) do life anyway. Accept What is...find your joy.

Thinking in between thoughts

2008-11-10T13:15:00.000-08:00

What is the point of blogging really? My gosh if I blogged all my thoughts there would be too much stuff online. And yet so many people tend to do just that. And so again I ask, What is the point?

Sorta like what is the point to keeping buying so much stuff that people no longer use their garages to park a car but to store a bunch of junk in boxes.

Overload, overwhelmn, overdone! So today I am reviewing the many blogs I have that I no longer write for and am making the difficult choice of cutting them loose.

I love to write, I love to share but really, again what is the point. For me there must be one to contribute to the giant internet without it just being junk that gets thrown into a garage.

A Break In The Day still has a purpose. This wee blog wins out. My poetry blog still has a purpose it gets to stay. My blogging on love immigrants and success abroad shall be retired. My general business blog I think may get revamped to focus on stress relief/creating sanctuary.

In the meantime, purpose is important and life is for fun. Laugh and enjoy it.

Glad to see the back of 2006

2007-01-21T22:01:00.000-08:00

So it's 2007 - feeling much better so far this year. Hope that continues. Sadly when I tried to phone my youngest sister on the Dec 21st for her birthday the phone number was disconnected. So Susie call me someday.

Maarten is loving his new job. I hope to find some new inspirations and get motivated in new directions this year.

Happy New 2007 to all.

Meeting the Biological Paternal side

2006-10-20T18:51:00.000-07:00

Create Your Own!

Holey Moley Panic Attack Party!

2006-10-12T11:15:00.000-07:00

Man oh mighty man have I been going through it this last week. We fly out tonight and tomorrow I will meet much of my biological family on my paternal side. Father, Aunt, Uncle, cousins.

On top of which I have had additional phone contact with my youngest sister Susie, part of this family. I will probably go up to see her again in a few weeks after no contact for many years.

So everynight I seem to have panic attack symptoms. They last hours and hours. And if I'm lucky I fall asleep sometime in the wee hours of the next day.

Whoever doubts the power of stress is stupid. Simply put. Truth.

Ok next week is coming up!

2006-10-06T22:21:00.000-07:00

Wow, well building on the Sister Sister post I have some wild news!

Next Thursday I am going to meet my biological father for the first time!

I am going to a first cousins wedding and my Aunt Margarets birthday. Margaret is my bio fathers sister. So I will be meeting all of them at the wedding of my cousin Jennifer.

Thank god Maarten is going to attend with me. Even at 42 this brings up a lot of emotions for me. It is always intense to meet people from the same gene pool! When I lived in Holland I was struck by how family resemblance was so strong.

I have always had a fascination in studying children and parents faces. Something I think that comes from finding out I was adopted at the age of 5.

So no doubt barring anything really dramatic I will probably have a good post next Sunday and pictures as well.

At the very least it will put some final closure on this chapter of my life.

My Aunt Margaret is however terminally ill and so I pray she will be well for her daughters wedding and I am quite excited to hear about my Italian heritage and see photographs of my ancestors.

I will probably be inspired to write a poem or two over all of this and you can read about those at my new Poof, A Poem blog.

Sista Sista

2006-07-08T10:20:00.000-07:00

Has anyone heard the story of the 3 sisters Susan?

Ja, Ja dat is goed!

Well. I was born Susan and then put up for adoption later. My mother went on to have another daughter and with great curiosty named this wee lass Susan as well and kept her. The name is a family name. We have an Aunt Susan and a grandmother Susan I believe.

Well the "seed" provider or my biological dad, Ed went on to marry years later and he, unaware of me, had a little girl and named her... drum roll please... Susan.

Now remember I was adopted. So at age 18 when I "found" my bio mum and sister I became aware of the Susan connection.

Years later I found my bio dad and eventually years after that I found Susie. hmmm around 1995.

Yesterday I tried to call my youngest sister again after losing contact with her when I moved to Europe.

No answer. Wish me success and good thoughts.

I would someday like to have a reunion with the 3 sisters Susan.

Ok can everyone say HOT

2006-07-05T22:28:00.000-07:00

Yea it was 102 on a few days we were in Portland. So much for leaving the heat behind in the OC!. Good Lordy that was no fun.

However, Avis provided with a lovely rental - a Ford Freestyle? I think. Very nice seats and wonderful AC. We were fine as long as we were in the car. Out of the car was a walk in misery.

Portland however under this record breaking history of heat for the city still held up well. We didn't explore as much as we would have in better weather, but we did manage to find some areas that we liked. Some were still out of our price range which is a bummer. However, some were totally in our range some as areas in Vancouver, Washington (just 10 minutes across the bridge from Portland) and Hillsboro, Oregon, 17 miles out of Portland. It is known as the Silicon Forest. Intel is one of the biggies there.

So what were my overall feeeeelllinggs. A bit of a sadness pang about truly moving out of Cali I must admit. I like the idea of moving overseas almost more! Funny how some people do get attached to a state. But being raised in the hey days of California beach living was rather idyllic. Though I must admit I never ran around holding a beach ball singing silly songs like Annette Funicello. I did however serve her food on more than one occasion when I worked at Dland and the original mouseketeers used to have regular lunches in a side area of The Plaza Inn where I worked for years. (early years)

Sorry a wee digression there....

Portland and Vancouver, WA were very nice and calm, beautiful and maybe a bit boring? Sorta quiet and backwater in a way. I can see myself living here, buying a house and eventually someday probably moving somewhere else. A lot of that will depend on my health. If I manage to drop a lot of weight and have major pain reduction for my ailments well than I could easily see us living in some Dutch island somewhere or maybe somewhere back in Europe.

But for now, yea, Portland, Hillsboro especially is looking like a viable option. Decent homes still under 300k with a bit of land. Nature still pure and little smog. And apparently cooler temps.... on average than S. caliland. Tons of mexican restaurants which I found funny. A wee china town - not that I ever go but who knows. Not a lot of Indian and mediterranean restaurants so hopefully more of those will pop up. We ate at one Greek place downtown Vancouver and it was expensive and passable. Little choice. Hmmp. Not like the delish greek restaurants in Utrecht and IJsselstein back home in Holland.

So.... if anyone knows of a great job for an IT manager/Sr Network Admin guy - let us know, My husband Maarten just might be your guy for the job.

And me, well I can coach anyone anywhere. Got issues? Give me a call!!

Leaving on a jet plane....

2006-06-14T08:41:00.000-07:00

Yippee tay cay aaaaaaaaa!

Maarten and I are heading to Portland, Oregon on June 23rd. We are staying in our friends RV in Vancouver, Washington. We shall explore this lovely state and gather insight and information to help us with our relocation there. With some hard work and magic dust, Maarten will have some job interviews lined up during the 4 days we are there.

Universe, please keep your fingers crossed for us.

Doing the 'moving forward with our plans' dance of joy!

They Say, I Say, Pay another CoPay

2006-06-07T05:19:00.000-07:00

Well it is official. Satan didn't reclaim the earth yesterday (June 6, 2006 or 6/6/06). Not that I was worried or anything but I must admit I was ready to kick some ass.

Next week I have an appointment with my Rheumatologist. We shall discuss my concerns that AS is indeed the accurate diagnosis and not Fibromyalgia. God help me if this is just an add on!

AS is the lovely....warm up your vocal cords....me meme me me.... Ankylosing Spondylitis. Sounds like I have spider disease don't it!

I tested positive for the gene marker in 2004. My gastroenterologist thought I had it then and she suggested my Rheumo doc check. Apparently it is more common with people who have Crohns and Ulceritive Colitis. He agreed that I had some of the symptoms but wanted to proceed with the Fibro diagnosis.

The horrific pain in my heels and the bottom of my feet for over a year now seem to be classic AS symptoms. As well as the horrible knee pain I have if I sit for long. I sometimes don't think my knees will bend again. Many of the other symptoms are the same as Fibro. Including night sweats and fever. Hmmm my primary care doc said I probably had those as well as the feet pain because I am FAT. Yes oddly enough being FAT is a likely cause according to my dr. and my mother. Yea ok.... but since I barely walk cuz it hurts so damn bad and I work at home which requires little to no movement (scarey but true) ... maybe being FAT isn't the damn problem. Phew... a wee vent was in order.

Since AS is progressive and more serious that sucks... however it is a recognized disease medically (unlike Fibro in many dr's minds) and has 2 medical treatments at this time. The worst bits in my estimation is indeed the spine fusing bits. That doesn't sound good eh?

But really the most annoying part is that in order for me to do ANYTHING re: my personal medical welfare I need to schedule an appointment, pay my $10 co-pay and then ask a dr. or nurse practitioner to do something on my behalf.

The latest jaunt? Lordy lovely I got a jury duty notice. Can you imagine.... Excuse me your honor, I need to be excused to go to the bathroom. Mam, you just did that 30 minutes ago. Yes sir, but I have UC and go on average 10+ times a day around 15 minutes a go.... You can always just park a loo outside your chambers for me.........

So off to the dr. - co pay - please write me a letter as it outlines on my notice for medical excuse - nurse practitioner (NP), sorry due to the new hippaa laws and privacy we can't write that letter - result she writes me a "prescription" stating I have a medical condition making jury duty impossible. I can hardly wait to hear what the courts say for this.

Need to see my Gasto - need to go to my primary and get a referral. Done - co-pay done.

Need to see my rheumo - need to go to my primary and get a referral. In process however, scheduled appointment anyway, gastro however never received referral. Need to contact my primary office again and try and track down.... copay, copay, copay.

Was given sample meds for new GERD med and it works WUNDERBAR!! Aciphex. Loving it. Not throwing up into my throat or spewing greenish yellow bile out my nose at night anymore. However, just realized that NP wrote jury duty script but no meds script included. Lovely....damn.... now I need to take maarten to work again so I can use the car, so I can go into the office and PAY ANOTHER COPAY to get the prescription for the drugs that she gave me a months samples of....

La lee laa le laaa me dances around in me head some more. Cuz that is what this all is

Living in the land of sick one dances around alot in ones head. My head in particular.

They say I need this. I say I prefer an alternative or something I just read in a recent study. I remain proactive with my health. I don't think the dr's have the time to stay on top of all the research on every disease and illness "out there".

Either way. I pay another copay.

Fibromyalgia: A bit more about me...

2006-04-24T06:49:00.000-07:00

What is Fibromyalgia?
Fibromyalgia (FM) is an increasingly recognized chronic pain illness characterized by widespread musculoskeletal aches, pain and stiffness, soft tissue tenderness, general fatigue and sleep disturbances. The most common sites of pain include the neck, back, shoulders, pelvic girdle and hands, but any body part can be involved. Fibromyalgia patients experience a range of symptoms of varying intensities that wax and wane over time.

Who is affected?
It is estimated that approximately 3-6% of the U.S. population has FM. Although a higher percentage of women of all ages and races are affected, it does strike men and children. Because of its debilitating nature, Fibromyalgia has a serious impact on patients' families, friends and employers, as well as society at large.

What are the symptoms?
FM is characterized by the presence of multiple tender points and a constellation of symptoms.

Pain:
The pain of FM is profound, widespread and chronic. It knows no boundaries, migrating to all parts of the body and varying in intensity. FM pain has been described as deep muscular aching, throbbing, twitching, stabbing and shooting pain that defines the very existence of the Fibromyalgia patient. Neurological complaints such as numbness, tingling and burning are often present and add to the discomfort of the patient. The severity of the pain and stiffness is often worse in the morning. Aggravating factors that affect pain include cold/humid weather, non-restorative sleep, physical and mental fatigue, excessive physical activity, physical inactivity, anxiety and stress.

Fatigue:
In today's world many people complain of fatigue; however, the fatigue of FM is much more than being tired. It is an all-encompassing exhaustion that interferes with even the simplest daily activities. It feels like every drop of energy has been drained from the body, which at times can leave the patient with a limited ability to function both mentally and physically.

Sleep Problems:
Many Fibromyalgia patients have an associated sleep disorder that prevents them from getting deep, restful, restorative sleep. Medical researchers have documented specific and distinctive abnormalities in the stage 4 deep sleep of FM patients. During sleep, individuals with FM are constantly interrupted by bursts of awake-like brain activity, limiting the amount of time they spend in deep sleep.

Other Symptoms:
Additional symptoms may include: irritable bowel and bladder, headaches and migraines, restless legs syndrome (periodic limb movement disorder), impaired memory and concentration, skin sensitivities and rashes, dry eyes and mouth, anxiety, depression, ringing in the ears, dizziness, vision problems, Raynaud's Syndrome, neurological symptoms and impaired coordination.

The Voices of UC research study

2006-04-20T00:31:00.000-07:00

This study was interesting to read. In many ways it confirmed my feelings that few people other than those of us with UC actually "get it". I often feel like my dr's don't really understand how damaging this condition is to my ability to function. The results of this survey are quite disturbing. It reminds me that for most people, life with UC really sucks!

Voices of UC — Key Findings
According to the newest survey of people living with ulcerative colitis (UC), Voices of UC, nearly 40% of respondents experienced symptoms at least 180 days per year. Yet people living with UC still feel that the impact of the disease is underestimated by families, friends, and employers. The survey was conducted by telephone with more than 1,000 patients with UC.

The survey, conducted by Manhattan Research on behalf of the Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation of America (CCFA) and sponsored by Centocor, Inc., also revealed that the symptoms of UC — including severe abdominal cramping and pain, the sudden, uncontrollable urge for bowel movements, and fatigue — impact the physical, social, and emotional well-being of those living with the disease. A subanalysis of the survey focused specifically on how UC affects the social, familial, and professional aspects of people’s lives.

Impact on social life
More than 60% of respondents stated that their friends’ understanding of UC was limited to what they told them; 10% reported that their friends knew absolutely nothing about UC, and only 1% felt that their friends were experts on the disease.
55% of those surveyed reported avoiding social engagements due to symptoms, while 37% found that their UC made it difficult to make and keep social engagements with friends.
51% reported that stress about their social life has a medium or high impact on their UC symptoms.

Nearly half of respondents reported that the disease was most limiting in the following social situations: eating what they want, engaging in certain physical activities, and planning vacations and weekend trips.

Impact on family life
Approximately half of people surveyed said that their families were well-informed about UC, while only 5% would categorize their family members as experts.
Among those with children living at home, close to 70% of those surveyed reported the disease had an impact on their relationship with their children.

74% of people surveyed reported that they have experienced less sleep than desired, 41% have avoided intimate situations with a spouse or partner, and 24% have had trouble maintaining a relationship with a spouse or partner due to UC.
31% of people surveyed reported that they turn to their families as a resource when actively seeking information about UC.

Impact on work life
Based on reporting from survey respondents, it is estimated that the loss of productivity due to UC may cost employers more than $431 million per year.
The estimated impact on productivity takes into account the more than 500,000 people currently diagnosed with UC and the finding that approximately 22% of those people missed an average of 16.8 days of work per year.

Of those surveyed between the ages of 18 and 34, 40% feel that UC limits their ability to plan their work schedule, 30% have avoided taking a job or promotion as a direct result of the disease, and 25% reported that their disease is very or extremely limiting to their work life.
One in four of the people surveyed between the ages of 18 and 34 said that their employer was not aware of their disease. One in four patients surveyed also reported hiding their disease from their fellow employees, and one in five reported hiding their disease from employers.

The challenges in the diagnosis of UC
73% of people with UC surveyed visited two or more doctors before receiving a definitive UC diagnosis, and more than 30% had to wait more than one year. On average, patients visited 3.2 physicians and waited 18.3 months for a diagnosis; 47% visited at least three physicians, and 17% visited five or more.

Bridging the gap between patients and physicians
Half of all the survey respondents believe that physicians tend to underestimate the impact of UC on their patients.
72% of people with UC surveyed believe that there is a need for increased awareness of UC among physicians.
71% of people with UC surveyed who actively seek information about their disease get the information from their physician.
Educational needs: Many gaps remain
Half of the survey respondents believe that their friends, family, and employers underestimate the impact of UC.
76% of survey respondents reported that there is a need for increased awareness of UC among the general public.

General findings about UC
47% of those surveyed reported that they have been hospitalized for an average of 22 days in the past five years; 37% have been to the emergency room.
In the past five years, 20% of respondents underwent an average of 2.3 surgeries. 37% of surgeries consisted of removing the entire colon.

Survey respondents were identified through an opt-in database of U.S. consumers who requested health information based on their condition profile; people within this list, who had UC, were randomized to be included as part of the survey group. The population was wholly examined and further sub-segmented into the following age groups: 18-34 years of age, 35 to 54 years of age and 55+ years of age.

Just what is Ulcerative Colitis?? UC defined

2006-04-20T00:25:00.000-07:00

What is UC?
UC is a chronic disease of the colon, or large intestine, affecting approximately 500,000 people in the United States. It can cause such symptoms as severe abdominal cramping and pain, the sudden, uncontrollable urge for bowel movements, and fatigue. UC and Crohn’s disease (CD) are the two main disease categories that belong to a larger group of illnesses called Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD). These illnesses are marked by an abnormal response by the body's immune system that typically develops in people between the ages of 15 and 35. However, anyone at any age can develop CD or UC, from infants to the elderly.

What causes UC?
Although considerable progress has been made in IBD research, investigators do not yet know what causes UC. Studies indicate that the inflammation in UC involves a complex interaction of issues: genetic predisposition, the state of the immune system and environmental factors. Researchers believe that once the UC patient's immune system is "turned on," it does not know how to properly "turn off" at the right time.
UC can tend to run in families. Studies have shown that up to 10% of people with UC will have a close relative with either UC or CD.

What are the symptoms?
UC causes tiny open sores, or ulcers, to form on the surface of the lining of the colon, where they bleed and produce pus and mucus. Because the inflammation makes the colon empty frequently, symptoms typically include bloody stools, severe diarrhea, and sudden urges for bowel movements, often leading to unwanted weight loss, blood loss, and a host of secondary complications.

Can it be cured?
Currently, there is no medicinal cure for UC, and 25% to 40% of UC patients will eventually have their colons removed because of severe illness, risk of cancer, massive bleeding, or rupture of the colon.

Additional Resources
Crohn’s & Colitis Foundation of America The Crohn's & Colitis Foundation of America (CCFA) is dedicated to its mission to cure and prevent Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis through research, and to improve the quality of life of children and adults affected by these digestive diseases through education and support. In addition to funding outstanding research worldwide, CCFA offers a wide range of programs and services for patients and medical professionals, including Webcasts, live education seminars, publications, and support groups. For more information, contact CCFA at (800) 932-2423 or visit www.ccfa.org.

The Life of Sick

2006-04-17T22:39:00.000-07:00

Sick. Tired of it really. But sick I am. Not your average cold or flu sick. Long term, chronically annoying, this is a way of life now sick.

I was first diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis over 15 years ago. In 2003 I got the lovely confirmed addition of Fibromyalgia after years of wondering why I hurt all the time and in late 2004 I was granted the trifecta... Diabetes.

Yup, 3. I have never been one to do things 1/2 assed. Now many of you may be thinking oh wow, Diabetes, that is a bummer. And yes I suppose it is.

The real bummer is that on any given day I am either running to the "loo" a minimum of 6 to 10 painful times, feeling like I have been pummeled all over by something that hurts enough to make me hurt but not enough to leave a bruise... feels like a bruise but looks fine. Invisible bruises. That is what I feel like I have all over me on most days. How many times have I asked someone, "when you push on your skin does it hurt?".

Oh and did I mention the fatigue? I have been clean and sober since June 1992 and yet on many days in a month I feel like one serious party has taken place in my head. Some days I am literally not sure if I am awake or dreaming. Are you reading this? Am I typing this?

The past few months the life of sick has meant that on most nights I don't sleep. Literally. I have become intimate with Alton Brown, Rachel Ray on $40 a day, the Iron Chefs, the chicks at HGTV, the Designer Guys, various artists profiled on PBS and almost suckered into a variety of bullshit scams such as air filled mattresses, supplements that clean your body, detox your car engine and wash your clothes all in one bottle... THE Amazing number of obesity curing products that apparantly only work for a handful of Americans....

Yea I have drank the warm milk, eaten lots of Turkey, taken hot showers, exercised, overeaten, undereaten, avoided any form of cafeinne, taken pain medication, tylenol PM, Lunesta, you name it. Don't sleep. Well... eventually, maybe around 6am... or 9am or 11am I fall asleep for 3 hours or 5 hours. But I never really really sleep. The phone rings, the neighors yell, the trash trucks come, (recycled, green and then regular) children play and sometimes I just have to wake up to you know, pee.

Sick. No one knows it. I can't park in the handicapped sections at the malls or the grocery store. Yet without notice I often have seconds (and yes I am being brutally frank here) to find the nearest restroom because if I don't rest will definately be stolen from my sanity for the rest of the day. Such a sexy disease... no I don't have breast cancer, but if I leave the house I do risk having an accident in my pants. # 1 or #2 take your pick. Sympathy anyone?

Sick. I don't really make the effort to make new friends. So much work and effort to vet them. Hi, my name is Julia are you willing to be friends with someone who may leave you sitting in a restaurant whilst I fly madly towards the bathroom? Or, do you mind constantly being stood up because I didn't fall asleep until 10am and well need to sleep a bit and oh by the way when I wake up I might not be able to walk... How godawful pathetic. Who needs this? I don't want a friend like this. I don't want to be my own friend! Don't worry. I still am.

Sick. Fuck sick. I'm not a sick person. I mean that is not my way. I don't like to complain. I don't like to whine. I don't want my business to have to be your business. I, yes here it comes, the awful word I am trying to accept. To swallow. I "was" a doer. I was active. I was busy. A creator. A leader. I was on my way. was...

Sick. Does this sound like pity? This isn't about pity. This about facts. My facts. My husband wants to cure me. Yea him and a gazillion doctors and pill manufacturers. May the best man win. For better or worse we are walking two separate paths side by side. How do I help him understand that I didn't mean for this to happen? The old lady that sits on the couch watching life go by on TV. My life, his life, other people's lifes. Going by. I have become a spectator wife and my sport is life.

Sick. Pills, doctors. Doctors who listen, doctors who don't. Pill pushers. Massagers, Bowen techniquers, energy swirlers, alternative health please pull me back from what feels like the alternative universe I have fallen into these past years. New meds, no meds, liquid meds, enemas every night for months on end... my end. Lovely treatment that one. Quit it all on my own after months of torture. You see for it to work you must hold it the WHOLE NIGHT LONG. Oh and guess who had to administer it each night. Lucky hubby! Damn right I quit it. Saw no difference and this was supposed to be the best treatment available. Called it quality of life choice and my gastro ended up agreeing. Gastroentologist, rheumatologists, diabetes specialists, nutrionists, primary care doctor, nurses, massage therapists, my co-pays at one time were worth a monthly car payment for a mercedes. I had 14 medication options at any given day. I eventually threw many of them out. Now I take 5 daily.

The life of sick. Who wants to know the truth. The pain. The suffering. Oh but it could be worse. You could have a fatal disease. Where's the gratitude? At least you know what you have. What do I want from the people I know? What do they want from me? Peace and quiet. To remember all the amazing things I have done. (was, done - really pisser words those) To understand that I am not lazy. That I am not a new amalgamation of the trifecta. A blob of sick.

I'm still here. Bruised without the colors. Sad without the tears. Awake without sleep. Brain fog in the sunshine. Trapped with no cage. Handicapped with no blue sign. Disabled because I am poor.

And yet I laugh. Humor is my madness and my saviour. My sanity and my release. I am the comedy. However, I am ready to sit down now. Relinquish the stand up job.

This is who I am. How I feel. What I have become. The life of Sick.

And I haven't even scratched the surface...

Ps. I don't want your pity but I will gladly take your health.

Faith without works....

2006-03-31T19:14:00.000-08:00

I am so proud of my sweet clarity! She continues to put action behind her words and impacts life in the US and globally. Because lets face it, every action has a butterfly effect and who knows where it will end...

Her most recent action has her name dancing across some very interesting places and in the same sentence as Bush, the White House, the Iraq war and the iconic DC reporter Helen Thomas.

Keep swinging little sister - you keep knocking them out of the ball park. And I love you!

Living abroad had a huge impact on Clarity and I and while it sometimes feels like our actions have had little impact on how we believe the US would best be served and serve others, remaining true to ourselves and having the courage to put our values first has fired us up since returning back to the US.

Here is the link to read the amazing action Claire took
http://thehill.com/thehill/export/TheHill/News/Frontpage/033006/thomas.html

Or read it without all the webstuff below:

After grilling Bush, Helen Thomas gets thousands of flowers By Albert Eisele

The roses kept coming - and coming - and coming - to the Hearst Newspapers office in downtown Washington on Thursday, until they filled a large conference room to overflowing.
By the time the Federal Express delivery was complete, there were 108 dozen roses, nearly 1,300 in every color. They were the result of an e-mail campaign to show support for Hearst columnist Helen Thomas after she grilled President Bush about his Iraq policy at last week's White House news conference.

The campaign was the brainchild of Clarity Sanderson, a 31-year-old Democratic activist from Sandy, Utah, a suburb of Salt Lake City, who was motivated by the sharp exchange between Thomas and Bush, and by an op-ed article Thomas wrote about the exchange in the Salt Lake Tribune.

"Those two things set me off," Sanderson said in a telephone interview Friday.
Sanderson, a work-at-home web designer and mother of two who is co-chairwoman of the Utah Democratic Progressive Caucus, said she saw a note on the website democraticunderground.com suggesting that people e-mail Thomas to thank her for asking Bush "the questions all Americans want answered about Iraq."

"I thought, 'Let's take it a step farther," she said, and sent an e-mail asking people to donate to her Pay Pal account to send roses to Thomas.
That was last Friday. By Monday she'd received more than $2,200. She ordered the roses and 100 glass vases from an online floral service in San Francisco, Organic Bouquet, and they were delivered Thursday.

Thomas, the 85-year-old veteran White House journalist whose outspoken criticism of the Bush administration has drawn much hate mail from Bush supporters in recent years, said Friday that she was overwhelmed by the avalanche of roses.

"It sure beats the brickbats," she said, referring to hundreds of vitriolic e-mails she's received since last week's encounter with Bush. "Some of them attack you ad hominem and call you a traitor and ask if you've ever been to Iraq," she said. "I think it's the frustration of those who are angry with me and take it out in e-mail. I think there should be a logical debate, but maybe that's not possible during an ongoing war."

Thomas shared her roses with Hearst bureau chief Chuck Lewis and other colleagues and sent the bulk of them to wounded military personnel at Walter Reed Army Hospital.
Asked about Bush's response to her pointed question about his Iraq policy, she said, "He could not answer my question. He kept referring to Afghanistan. He never articulated the reasons we're in Iraq. I don't think there's any justification for an unprovoked war against somebody who did nothing against us."

Thomas had received hundreds of supportive e-mails by Friday afternoon, bearing such messages as, "O-M_G … I LOVE THAT LADY!" "We all owe her so much more than roses," "Her little finger has more class than George Bush does," and "Helen Thomas kick ass!"
Sanderson said she's never spoken with Thomas but received an e-mail from her via Hearst office manager Kristen Collie, who wrote that "Helen asked me to send you the following note:
"Blessed are the peacemakers. The bounty of beautiful roses from such wonderful people has lifted my heart and will remain in my memory for the rest of my life. Thank you for caring that others may live."

Thomas, who is of Lebanese extraction, has never visited Iraq but she said, "I don't think I have to. I've been to the Middle East with many presidents. I think the whole situation is very sad, and they said it was going to be a cakewalk."

Thomas, who was inundated with hate mail last year when she was quoted in The Hill as saying she'd kill herself if Vice President Cheney ran for president in 2008, said she didn't talk to Cheney when they both attended the recent Gridiron Club dinner in Washington.
"I don't think he'll ever want to talk to me," she said.

Love the rain

2006-03-28T21:20:00.000-08:00

It's been raining a lot here lately in Southern California...

Just wanted to say that I really like it

j

Blustery my bum! It's WINDY!

2006-01-23T04:09:00.000-08:00

Ok... most people at 4:08am would be sound asleep. Happily so. I have a new client intake at 10:00am.... but can I sleep? Nooooo! Maarten can. I sometimes would like to go into the bedroom and pinch him. How does he do it?

It is so windy here in the OC. Santa Ana Winds windy. Blustery Day your Mama windy. Some of these gusts rattle the windows. Trash cans fly about and wack into our garage (which happens to be right by our bedroom). The trees are whooooshing and sshhhsshhhshhhing. The windchims are getting a major workout.

Not your typical break in the day. day being the key word that is out of place here. Mmmmm just ate a Milkdud. Sustenance. It takes a special kind of nutrients to support one who is WIDE AWAKE and wishes she was sound asleep....floating on a wee cloud in laa laa land. Milkdud. Warm and snug... like a bug... cuddled up next to her man. You know the one that is sound alseep.

Let's poetize:

Oh I wish I was asleep.
Deep
asleep
I would dream
I would snore
I would see the stars no more

My mind would rest
the chatter put away
milkdud...mmm
I'd do my best
to let the Zzzz's play!

Oh to sleep
Not a peep
Nor a sound
no counting sheep

The kind of pleasure a deliciously chewy Milkdud provides....

hmmmmmm yummy. Distracting though when one is poetizing on her most important blog.
concentrate.

I can't sleep
The wind is high
The sky is clear
My feet are cold
My nose is ice

I really am a clever poet... just not now. Now my mind is somewhat annoyed with the weather. I love "oh bother pooh blustery DAYS".... it's when they cut into my nights that I get insomniacle.

So...if nothing else I may have just created two new superbly fantastic words: poetize and insomniacle.

One may philosiphize that that is the whole reason the wind is being so windy tonight. Word creation.

Well....being as wide awake as I am I could go on typing nonsensicle written doodles for quite awhile. However... the Milkduds and I will perphaps go watch some tv.

squiggle squiggle blot gleep.... poetizing out.

Glad January is HERE!

2006-01-11T23:40:00.000-08:00

Ok, I don't know about the rest of you...

I am THRILLED to see the back of December 2005!

One bad moment after another including driving home from Christmas in Show Low Arizona with the flu! Not alot of bathrooms on that route through the desert!

My suggestion: Don't have the flu if you're far from a loo!

So January is here and Maarten and I are outlining our goals for the first quarter. Today was actually a big deal for us.

Maarty had is final interview and test for US citizenship. Dual of course. None the less it went well. He got 100% on the test. He studied quite a bit. Good thing too... how many of you know who said, Give me liberty or give me death? Patrick Henry of course. Luckily I had drilled him on that question the night before and he remembered it.

A lot of things that we had originally planned for this year are now on hold. We have decided to make some major shifts in the direction we are going and we believe the change in direction will offer some new and exciting options for us. Stay tuned to see what turns up!

And a special note to my sweetest friend Donnie. I send you love always and hugs forever. I'm so so sorry about Miss Mint and her tragic fall from the 8th floor balcony. She was a beautiful kitty and I can only hope she is reigning in Katnip Heaven as only she can.

Heres to a wonderful joyous and fun 2006 to all we know and all we don't.

Dili Dili Dili Dooooooo

2005-10-11T16:52:00.000-07:00

Wow, just got out of an online chat with my sister-in-law, Mechteld. She has gotten a job with the UN and is working in East Timor for the next 3 years most likely. She is positioned in the Capitol of Dili.

Sounds silly, but I do like saying Dili.

There once was a girl from Dili,
Who thought the land was quite hilly
She walked up and down
With ne're a frown
As the townsmen thought she was quite silly

It's a good think she wasn't from Nantucket
If she saw the hills she probably would say fuck it
but either way,
its safe to say
when walking in Dili bring a puking bucket

Now my spelling may not be correct
Nor my back in this chair be erect
But I do my best when it comes to the test
My poetry is my own so the complainers are welcome to....
well you know

Either way... Mechie....keep your head down, avoid the birds, stay on top of the rubble and don't make any mud pies. Worldwise we are in the shitter right now eh?

Anaheim Angels Anaheim Angels

2005-10-10T20:57:00.000-07:00

Quite Simply - Yippeee Aye Tie Kayaaaaaeeaaa The Angels are on their Way.

White socks are always out of fashion!

Do I Dare Share?

2005-09-28T18:24:00.000-07:00

You remember the recent ruling regarding the Pledge to the US flag? The problem being the "God" word and having kids say it in school?

First the guy who wrote the pledge didn't have "God" in it. Congress chose to add it and frankly I don't think they have the right to manipulate and change other people's writings to suit their whim.

Second, what the hell are we doing making children pledge allegiance to this country for every morning before school starts?? They can't drive, they can't vote, they don't pay taxes, they can't get married but we insist they be mature enough to blindly agree with the values and beliefs of an entire country and a government that someday they may grow to despise because depending on their gender, love interest, income or race they may end up feeling like they got short changed on the pledge!

Yes I hope that they will eventually come to love and respect the US. Seems to me however that the first thing they should be PLEDGING to in SCHOOL.... is something like this:

United States of America School Pledge of Alligance
I pledge to show up to class on time each day. I pledge to respect my teachers, to pay attention in class, to do my homework and complete my education to the best of my ability. I pledge to avoid drugs and alcohol, to not practice violent behavior towards others and to never ever ever bring a gun to school and shoot my classmates. By making this pledge I hope to promote liberty and justice for all.

As for the pledge to the flag? How about having immigrants say it before they are sworn in as citizens. Is it really relevant for anyone else?

Oh yea, I will be more than happy to write up a pledge for congress to say each day... it will include words like honesty, integrity, fair play, punishment for lying, accepting others.... and then there is the pledge that Mr. Bush could state each morning in the Oval office. Of course I don't think I would have him say anything much different than the one I would have the kids say.

Phew, glad to get that off my chest.

j

Long Break

2005-09-24T12:15:00.000-07:00

On September 16th Maarten and I flew off to Phoenix, Arizona for my brother Scott's 2nd wedding.

He married Julia Damian so now we have two Julia Ferguson's in our family!

On the left is Maarten and I and my mum just after the garden wedding ceremony at the Wrigley Mansion.

Scott's 3 kids were part of the event. 6 yr old Vivian was flower girl, Duncan was the ring bearer and Brenna ensured everyone was seated properly and the brides dress and veil were ok during the ceremony.

The 17th provided us a full moon and a gorgeous night. The moon rose over Camelback mountain just as the wedding service ended.

Sure the were some fiasco's and a lovely wee bit of drama the night before to remind those of us without kids why we made such a great choice. All in all however, the wedding was a beautiful experience and I hope that Julie and Scott remain happily and "uneventfully" married forever.

Second Break ~ Same Day

2005-09-09T18:50:00.000-07:00

Hot Pink Perfection - Wordweaver

Wow...another break already you say? Damn straight! It's my day I will spend it like I want to. Besides it is almost 7pm thus my evening break.

Why do I return so late in the day you ask?

Why to share with you my hair color of course. Yup my hair color. My mum hates it, I garnered harsh stares of horror from fellow Trader Joe shoppers here in the homogenized OC but do I care?

Hell no. Fuschia never looked so good. Fuschia is fun. I've come undone. Well that's what "they" would like you to believe.

Simply, life is too short to not have fun. Lighten up, whether by hair color or mood.

My brother gets married in a week, wonder what sort of looks I will garner under the hot Phoenix sun. This will be fun.

The First Break

2005-09-09T17:28:00.000-07:00

Wyatt Burp

Today started with my donating to Bestfriends.org to help with the continued rescue of animals in the Hurricane affected areas of the gulf coast. Now we have sent off money to the Red Cross, Noah's Wish (noahswish.org) and Bestfriends. If I didn't live so far away I would be sheltering animals in my home. They give so much and ask so little. To see them suffer due to the horrific lack of response and regard for the people in that region and their right to take their pets with them is more than I can bare.

So I dedicate this first entry to the memory of my precious Wyatt Burp, my golden retriever who died due to malpractice and suffering from the very Pet hospital that was supposed to be helping him. My Internal Blue reflects the nature of my personality that is highly sensitive and empathetic and thus easily affected by the sadness of life. Losing Wyatt was at a stage in my life when suicide was becoming a plan more than a fantasy and the dark mud pit of depression that was my life was rapidly deteriorating.

I share a poem I wrote about his loss and pray for all of those who will have lost their loved pets in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. The photo above is Wyatt when he was about 1 yr old.

~~~~~~~~~
My Empty Yard

I stare into the yard and you’re not there
No one to stand guard or bark “beware”.

The shadows on the leftside fence roam free
You don’t jump at them from behind the tree.

The mailman comes and asks me where you are
I whisper quietly that you’ve gone afar.

I go into the house to sit and cry
I want you back…at least to say good bye

I see your rock beside my big blue chair
I pause to pick it up…but leave it there.

I put your bowl, your leash, your toys away
Oh God please help me make it through the day.

I say a prayer for you and close my eyes
Reality sets in as I realize.

You may not be here for me to touch
But I still love you very, very much.

And in my heart I know you’ll always stay
And in my mind I’ll see you always play.

~ July 21, 1997 ~